Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Thrilling chase underway