To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Every damn time
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney