My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
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Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?