Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
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Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Not my job 😂
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.