What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
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I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.