HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
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I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
If snakes were wide
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.