[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*