At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
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If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones