The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Holy crap this is wonderful
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Respect
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.