Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?