My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha