I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
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“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
2022: I can fix it
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.