Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.