Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
You Might Also Like
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
me when the borders lift
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
asked my bf how work was today
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.