Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
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[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Planet of the Apps.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”