Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If I ignore life will it go away?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…