I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
You Might Also Like
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
incredible book dedication
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok