Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.