The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats