Oh yeah that’s it
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My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*