HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
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How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious