Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
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my brain: corn cob
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Everything reminds me of my ex
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
car not found
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?