Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Dammit Chief not again
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!