Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant