A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
so this horse walks into a bar
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.