Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
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When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Body by sandwich.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…