Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
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Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.