I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
2022 will be better than 2021
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.