Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
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I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.