Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children