TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
You Might Also Like
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]