Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
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I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Dance like you’re not the father
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.