A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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Boy never ceases to amaze me
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”