Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
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My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Kermit goes Blue.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.