When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
You Might Also Like
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Saturday
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.