My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.