Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
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Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Still cracks me up
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me