I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
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behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
the battle rages on
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Banana is the quietest snack
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*