A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Monday Lisa
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.