O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
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I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now