Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
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*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I can’t stop watching this.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”