” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope