Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
You Might Also Like
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
crochet youtube is brutal
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
step 6: release the wall snake
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.