A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I’m having an out of money experience.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water