I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I am never leaving this website
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
No Google it does not
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES