I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
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Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
i wish all
whales
a very
big
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
two people or more is called a problem
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.