[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
You Might Also Like
Somebody call the cops.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*