Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
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DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate