FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Somebody call the cops.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.