I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Happy birthday to all the women
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real